crazy-ass loner ^^;
HIM
you
Monday, May 01, 2006
ive been thinkin,, why am i even inlove.. you know youre not my type right? im not your type either.. were friends good friends, really good friends,,and i really dont believe in relationships within peer groups you wanna know why? coz it messes things up.. haha you know what i mean right? we all know that.. why would i wanna go and do crap? why are we even together? i know, right? but keep on reading.. hell.. there's a story behind everything and ours was uhmm fast and intense.. i mean we were friends alright but there was this barrier that we didnt wanna break.. it was goin beyond our limits.. the barrier of friendship,, i know it shouldnt be stopping us.. but we were too afraid to hurt one another and ruin what we had.. we hardly spoke about the topic but we knew it was building up inside both of us and people started noticing that too.. and us? denying everything.. haha highschool shit i know.. but it was too risky. it was too much of a big leap we both didnt want to bruise ourselves.. i loved him not just for everything he was but for what i was when i was with him.. i was a better person,, no really i was. anyway.. we spent almost everyday together.. with of course a few close friends,, we were ignoring all the questions that were constanly polluting our minds.. one day when he was so fucked up with shit* everything was just so heavy that he just.. asked me why we couldnt work things out.. and as stupid as it may sound i told him it was not right and blahblahblah.. i told him i cared for him and he was important to me.. and he told me the same thing.. so.. well two thumbs up for me.. i actually made him believe i was not goin nuts for him.. WOW. a relapse of this event actually happened 5 or 6 days later.. and this time he was effin drunk.. so i thought,, he would only say these things when his mind was blurred by foreign substances.. i actually got hurt.. but i didnt let it get into me.. deeply saddened. i told him the same things.. and i cried,. yeah i did.. i cried not just because i was hurt but because.. i knew i could tell him right then and there that maybe.. we could test the waters.. but i didnt.. yep.. i was a wuss, a big fat LOSER. a few weeks went by and i was of course not mentioning anything about what he said,.. i never asked him if it was true or not,, but of course i was secretly hoping he would say it again,, when hes not drugged or drunk.. we continued on as friends.. caring more than were really supposed to.. until one fateful day where we were both slightly* intoxicated.. that we were both ready.. to reveal the truth about how we both feel,, i was mindsetting myself to tell him everything coz i thought he would be too fucked up to remember anything i said.. we came to show how we really felt and it was pure bliss.. it felt like my heart has been saved from drowning.. i went to bed smiling that night.. when i woke up the next morning i was more worried than happy.. i felt something moving in my stomach.. it was my heartbeat..i thought i felt it drop.. i was scared to go online, i was scared to use the phone,, questions like would he remember? things might not ever be the same again.. i was haunted by my paranoia.. then.. it happened.. we talked. he said he remembered. and he was serious. gaaaaah i wanted to rip my head off.. i wasnt really sure why but i felt like doin it.. so ok,, pacing myself it felt really weird at first i mean.. it was hard enough to hide my feelings from him and showing it felt even harder.. afterawhile,, i grew comfortable with the "we" word already,, i remembered why i fell inlove with him in the first place,, it was bittersweet love our relationship was like dark chocolate..both bitter and sweet.. i find happiness in both.. hes the only person that i had no problem expressing my feelings with,, its too easy i mean he showed me the kind of lovin that i deserve.. and i love him for that.. the mere fact that he made me the person i wanna become can make me fall inlove all over again.. everything just fell into place.. everything just felt so right u know? ...... nd the rest is still unwritten
3:20 PM
